I have been double-minded over the past several years, and this has been perhaps nowhere more plainly visible than on facebook. I've been in and out of ill-fated romantic relationships, in and out of "scripture quoting" phases, and most painfully, in and out of relationship with key people in my life. I have chosen to focus on relationships that feed my ego, rather than those which feed my spirit. My dear friend, Kenny Curtis has mentioned this to me on several occasions, and still I've chosen to have one foot in the world of the flesh, and occasionally, one foot in the spiritual word.
Since moving to Galveston, God's will for me has become more plain than ever before. I am here to serve Him, and Him only. This is not to say that I have a clear picture of what serving Him will look like, but it is to say that I am not interested in anything else.
I have often said that my first drug of choice was attention / approval from other people. What I have learned (especially today) is that the people in my life whose approval I've been seeking, are not the people who I need to be concerned about pleasing. The people in my life who know and love me (glorious flaws and all) are the people who don't require me to jump through hoops to earn their love. This is much like the love of Christ. Prior to Christ, people had "The Law" which was a series of "hoops" to jump through. Because so many of the hoops were difficult to get through, people began to find ways to circumvent them, and then to rationalize their disobedience. Then when the inevitable consequences came, they felt that God was unjustly punishing them. Christ came to earth, and brought with Him a hoop that is large enough for everyone on the planet to walk through gently and easily, all at the same time.
People in my life like those tagged here and so many others, have showed me such grace and encouragement, and even at times when you didn't agree with my opinion or my actions, you loved me, and showed me I mattered. I couldn't always let that in, and it's because I felt (or more to the point, my flesh felt) that it needed a certain type of response from you for me to feel valued and appreciated. My flesh, I has discovered, is a bit retarded, and no amount of attention or approval is ever enough. My flesh is incapable of feeling peace. It is therefore, incumbent upon me (the whole me: body, mind and spirit) to look elsewhere for a place for my identity to make camp. This place is my spirit. In this undiscovered country, I am finding infinite wellsprings of love and approval from every direction, most importantly, from "above".
I don't intend to accomplish anything by this, except to begin to share openly about my inner / outer process of sanctification and pruning, which is currently happening in my life. Sanctification (as I understand it) is the process of having my outsides begin to match my insides. Many of you know, that I felt very clearly called into the ministry in August of last year. Over the past year, since hearing that call, I have stumbled more in the flesh than ever before. I've sinned through commission and omission in several countless ways, and caused some harm to myself and others in the process. This was all part of the process of surrendering to His will in a deeper way, and has culminated in my moving to Galveston Island. The poetic implications of me moving to an island are very apt, and beautiful, for this move has forced me to accept a sense of separateness from the comfort of my friends and the familiar landscape of NW Houston. There is only one way (by car at least) to the island and one way to leave. They call it "The Causeway". My choices, and actions, were the "Causeway" for me to end up here. From a spiritual perspective, I was rescued from the prison of the familiar. God basically broke me out of jail.
The pruning is necessary for anything to grow, and I am being pruned. This means letting go of many things which used to seem like "a part of me". Here are some examples: Family Guy, Gangsta Rap, Sexual innuendo in everything I say and do, Gluttony, Pride in my shortcomings, gossiping, retaliation for perceived wrongs, basically anything that causes my spirit to grieve or feeds my flesh. At some point, it may include facebook, it may include deleting more friends and may include many things, as God reveals them to me in His time. For now, it seemed like it was important to invite you (and anyone else you want to share this with) into this conversation with me.
Much of this process was well articulated in the book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life by Donald Miller (http://amzn.com/0785213066). This book was given to me by my daughter's mother, Kim Voynar, who perhaps knows me better than anyone in my life who isn't a blood relative. In this book, Don starts realizing that his depression and lethargy are not medical conditions, but rather symptoms of a boring, uninspiring life, and he decides to Co-Author (with God) a more interesting narrative for his life.
Thanks to this idea infecting my consciousness as a welcome virus, I am now in the midst of co-authoring a more interesting narrative for my life. You are part of that narrative. I welcome your input, and I invite you to share with me your struggles, dreams, challenges and your viewpoint.
"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, non but ourselves can free our minds." - Bob M.
Learning to shake the dust off my sandals...
At least my fortune cookie understands me.
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